Ancient History (+2 Proficiencies/Tools/Languages)
1. What was your childhood like? Describe your upbringing.
Ah, childhood. It was peaceful, tranquil. All the things a growing boy hates with a passion. My mum worked at a pub. My da worked where ever he could find work. Bit of a dwarven taste for spirits if you get my drift. Still, he had time to collaborate with mum to make me, my sisters, and, allegedly, some doffy pile of bunk people claim is my brother.
We didn’t have much, but hey, smidgens can live on songs and scraps so all was well enough.
Plus, mum knicked food from the pub regular. They had a big damn dog that’d scarf untended grub in an instant. He’d have to have been faster than lightnin’ and bigger than a wagon to have eaten all the missin’ food mum blamed on him.
And who can blame her? She had to feed four kids, a husband, and a trash-pile claiming to be an eldest son.
2. Describe your hometown. Is your relation with your hometown good or bad?
Ah, Dragonsport. Dragon’s Port? Dragon Sport? Whatever. Greatest city on Scarn. Probably.
It’s one of the few cities where smidgens are around every corner and in every shop, and no one is screaming for guards or breaking out the extra-small shackles. In that sense it’s fantastic. In every other sense, it’s a shit hole.
3. What will you do for next birthday?
Well, that depends on where I am and how fancy the smidgettes are feeling. Honestly, I’ll probably be at sail, what with having become a high pirate and all. Still, we small folk can’t afford to let celebrations pass us by.
So, wherever I am on my birthday, I will be having a stumble-drunk of a good time with as many of the folk as can be mustered to sing, dance, and drink. For the record, that is all of them. All of them can be mustered.
4. Describe a typical morning.
What the hell is this “typical” you speak of? It sounds like the kind of disease you catch from boring people. I don’t know if it’s come down with typical, but this morning I had to drag Delver Tossbottle out of his hammock, break up a fight between Merla and Lerla Highstove over somthin’ said by someone at some point which no one remembers but is certainly worth tearing hair over, and then stopped by Elba Thornthumb to see what she makes of the mystic pages which fortuitously found their into her belongings.
Then there was breakfast.
5. If you were going somewhere special that you wanted to look your best for, what would you do to prepare? What would you wear? How long would it take you to get ready?
Strange question, that. I mean: “Look my best.” I always look my best. Right now, I look like the most pirate-y smidgeon on the ship. When we get to land, I’ll look like the most servant-y scribe to follow an “employer.” Looking your best is big folk talk for bein’ fancy.
I suppose that means lookin’ rich when surrounded by contemporaries. Next drop by Dragonsport (Dragon’spurt?) might give me reason to “Look my best” at bein’ a rich little shite. But I’ll only do that if’n it helps me do a thing that needs doin’.
6.What attracts you? Do you have anyone "on your radar"?
Ah, uh. Ahem. Well, there’s more than one reason I slipped Elba them magic notes. Mayhap we’ll be makin’ magic of another kind.
7.Have you ever been in love? With who? What happened? If not, why not?
You know, it’s said that a man can love the sea. That it draws you in. You become so accustomed to the rockin’ of the waves and the glitter of light on the ripplin’ water that you can’t imagine life without it. And I have to say, those idiots deserve drowning. Every one of ‘em.
There have been lasses that’ve caught my eye over the years, and a few of the cheekier ones may have tripped me now and again, but love?
Well—if you can keep a secret—there’s a tingle that goes right through me every time I think of Cap’n Appleblossom and what she means for our people. That tingle is terror. Terror is a kind of love, right?
8. What is(are) your most prized possession(s)? What makes it (them) so special?
Why, my winning smile and the twinkle in my eye. With these weapons I can conquer the world.
9. What are your worst fears? Why? (Min. three paragraphs.)
Whew. My mum’s sur-pies. When times were hard, she’d sometimes make pies stuffed with whatever food-adjacent substance she’d managed to scrounge. Keep in mind, she was a fair cook and could fancy up boot leather and dog’s bollocks right nice. It was the breading.
There ain’t a magic on Scarn as black as that which birthed the breading that coated a Nessa Undershovel Sur-pie.
As stated above, one helping of sur-pies cure a lad of fear. That said, everybody has ideas they hope don’t come to pass.
I’d rather Cap’n Appleblossom doesn’t find reason to feed me to one of them Mirth Jacks of hers. I’d rather my newly hired bodyguard, intermediary, and decoy does not betray me. I suppose, I’d like to avoid eating my mum’s cooking ever again. I’d like to never find out for certain that the heap of rags and halitosis what lived outside our hovel door was my actual brother.
But, in seriousness, I’m a tad nervous about what happens next. You know, with the whole privateer, fortunes found, Cap’n as the hope of Smidgen-hood everywhere venture. I have no doubt it’ll end well. It’s just that I expect it might end well and soon.
10.What are you striving for? (Adventure, family, a stable home, a great cause?) How far would you go to achieve this? Would you kill for? Die for it? (Min. three paragraphs)
I am as harmless and humble as a sack of potatoes. All I want is a nice hovel of my own, maybe a lass to make little Felbys with, and the silent death of every person who ever assisted or profited from the oppression of my people.
While we’re asking, it’d be a lovely thing to see the little folk grow in stature. Metaphorically, of course. Our physical height is perfectly suited as is, thank you much. I mean, more ships, more crew, more power, more wealth.
Now, does that sound far-fetched and highly unlikely to happen? Absolutely. But sillier bastards have gotten away with crazier schemes. The trick here is doing what wee folk do best, being careful. Slow and careful builds a fleet. A fleet and careful builds a nation.
Metaphysics (+1 to two separate Attributes)
11. Do you have a Patron God(s)? How did that come to be? What is your relationship with this Deity?
I’m a good chap. I’ll say whatever prayers solve the problem.
12. How do you feel about spirituality? Are you religious? What do you believe?
Erm. Hum. I mean, I don’t mind it much. It just always struck me that religion is a thing that the big folk do. It’s like palaces and rights, stuff the littler folk ain’t privy too.
13. Describe the perfect room.
The perfect room is a little folk pub. It’s a place where the big folk don’t bother you and the small folk won’t stop. Song and food and noise and everything everywhere. Perfect rooms are all over Scarn. You just gotta know who to ask.
14. Everyone excels at something. What is your philosophy about the thing you are best at?
I like to think that I bring out the best in people. Sure, doing what I want them too is often best for me too, but I consider that providence. It’s just the world’s way of giving me back a little after I work so hard making sure others get exactly what they need.
15. What would you consider selling your soul for? (Note that considering does not mean deciding!)
My soul is virginal, woven from honey and painted with the tears of angels. Whoever wants to purchase such a masterpiece would need to hand me a nation at the very least.
16. What would your aura look like (if someone were to be able to see such a thing)?
If mint and honeysuckle were a color, it’d look like that.
17. What do you try hardest to keep secret?
Are you implying I have secrets? That I’m not an honest chap, just trying to pirate his way through the world? Well, now I’m most offended.
Oh fine. I don’t want you looking in that box. No. No, the other secret box. Right. Don’t open that one.
18. What kind of things can make you angry? Why? (Min. three paragraphs)
Gods, have you got questions. Well, as fond as I am of all the big folk who’ve gone out of their way to give us wee ones jobs when we beg them not to, I can be a bit peeved when I see one get casual with a whip.
As an honest and forthright chap, I can get a little sore when someone doesn’t hold to a bargain they’ve done agreed to.
But, too be even more honest, I’m not the angry type. An angry smidgen is a dead smidgen.
19. If you were a weather pattern or meteoric phenomenon, what would you be? Why?
Me? Why, I’m a playful breeze on a sunny day. I lighten everything. And if a few odds and ends float off with me, it can’t be my fault can it?
20. What do you dream about? Why do you think you have those dreams? (Min. three paragraphs)
Oi. Well, it’s right back to your “typical” question isn’t it?
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in a giant bowl of porridge, trying to outpace the spoon of a giant.
The night before, I dreamed I was a whale floating through the sky and all the stars were droplets of light that formed a chain hanging off my tail. That one was nice until the chain got caught on a moon.
I don’t think there’s a “why” about it. Dreams are where we go mad without getting’ hurt.
Setting Specific (Bonus Feat)
21. Do you feel allegiance to any city, kingdom, or state?
Nope.
22. Where have you traveled? Provide an opinion of each of these places.
I can’t even begin to remember. Of course, there’s Dragonsport (Draegonspert?), which we chatted about earlier. And then there was some dealing with elfie folk, though I didn’t leave the ship for that, what with elves bein’ child-snatchers and likely half-blind with age, I wasn’t risking it.
The blood sea could be considered a place, if one’s feelin’ generous. It’s big and shimmery and red. Oh, and sometimes giant four-armed monsters swim up and attack ships, which is always interesting.
We went to an island and found loads of big folk that were all mutanty. They were mostly not horrible.
Mythral had a big statue. Rahoch had boredom and slavery.
23. What are your political views? How do you think cities should be governed?
By tiny little kings an’ queens. And why not? We’ve tried every other flavor of tyrant.
24. Give a brief description of the other members of your party. What do you like/dislike about them?
Party? You mean crew?
Well, there’s the Cap’n. Leeloo Appleblossom, first smidgen pirate captain. How do you describe such a person? Fierce and wily. A queen born to the waves. Why, they’ll be singing songs about her until the moons fall from the sky. That I guarantee.
Now, I could talk for days about my fellow folk, but we should mention the weird ones.
Lessee, there was that quartermaster who liked his whips. Swam off somewhere and probably didn’t bother to drown on the way. More’s the pity.
We used to have us our own big rat. He swam off and probably didn’t bother to drown on the way. More’s the pity.
We had ourselves one Purple Maurader named Fransisco. After causin’ more drama than the Highstove twins on their monthly, he got himself dead. I can’t say I’m too sorry. He seemed affable enough for big folk, but damned if helpin’ them doesn’t always bite your back cheeks. Hope he found a cozy place in whatever hell he landed in.
Oh, hells, we used to have a sea witch, too. What happened to Salla? She always struck me as someone who’d be a bit of fun if you could get a keg or two in her.
Now, that I’m thinkin’ of it, this list is somethin’ grim. We got an endless chart of “used to” and not much else. Nothin’ for it. The small folk will pick up the slack. It’s what we do.
25. When succeeding in a mission, what coinage do you prefer? Why?
As much coinage as possible. I want piles of coinage. Mountains of it.
26. Where does your money come from? Where does it go?
Plunder. I did mention I’m a pirate, right? Granted, I’m not the fightiest pirate. Perhaps, I’m not the piratyist pirate, but I’ve still done well for myself.
27. Describe your favorite food or beverage. Who makes it best?
If you promise not to tell the Cap’n, Alnis Blusterchug hid a butter-rum still down in the bilge. It doesn’t produce much or often, but a tipple on a cold night does the soul wonders.
28. Where do you get your news? What topics are of interest to you?
Damndest thing, this “news.” The folk just know. If Mari slaps Jolli for lookin’ at Salli, everyone in a hundred miles will know before her hand parts from his cheek.
29. Can Magic & Magic users be trusted? Is magic as dangerous as they say?
The last magic man on the Storm Hook went mad and got his head screwed backward. The word is he begged to be killed in the end. Now, I’m not saying that magic is all bad, just that I never met a farmer with a backwards head.
30. Describe any enemies or vendettas you have made. Who do you think considers you an enemy? Provide some detailed plans about how you intend to "settle the score".
Let me tell you about this animated mountain of dog dung that haunted the alleys of Dragonsport (Driginspirt?). You could smell it three blocks off, and that was when the wind was blowin’ the stench away from you. It wormed its way under doors and between family members. It ate seconds before others got firsts and took your favorite shoes. Woe to that monster. Someday, we shall meet again, and it will return the birthday copper it swiped from under my pillowsack.
On the Adventure (Bonus Class Feature)
31. You are undertaking a mission that involves traveling several days through dangerous woods.
What preparations do you make? Is there anything special you make sure to bring?
This is a fun game. Are woods something like jungles?
I’d be sure to bring along a lot of big strapping humans. Maybe an elf. I’m told elves love plants.
The important thing is to make sure the big folk know they are in charge and that you are their favorite person ever. That second bit is the tricky one. Basically, you need them to need you. It helps if they need your survival more than theirs. Anyways, those kinds of preparations.
32. What travel method do you select? What sort of companions do you bring, if any?
The method of travel that makes the most sense, clearly. Also, the kind of companions amiable to bribes and blackmail.
33. While on the journey, you are beset by bandits! What do you do?
“Oh no! Oh, dear! I am but a small defenseless smidgen. What can I do but cower before the might of the endless bandit horde?”
If my merry band of adventurers triumph we carry on, stalwart in our quest to… find the thing?
And if my brave companions are slain by the fearsome bandits, well, it seems like I have stumbled across a motivated group of highly competent individuals surely interested in a lucrative business venture.
34. During harsh weather, your travel is complicated in some manner (steed breaks a leg, wagon loses a wheel), what is your solution?
Terrible. Just terrible. It’s awful how Stim and Joils have to stay to butcher the horse while the rest of us ride on. I’ll miss those two.
35. You make your way to a bustling tavern, after several days on the road. What do you do first? Where do you sit? Why?
It depends whether it’s a proper tavern or a big folk tavern. Big folk tavern, you’ve got to look sharp and step quick. The ones who don’t know you get ideas and the ones who do know you are too busy getting’ drunk to look out for their slighter friends.
Now, a small folk tavern is different. It might be a nice neighborhood pub or a seedy bar o’murderers, but folk understand folk. Even the worst place is jolly full of happenings. Find a place, smile at a girl, order a drink, sip to make sure it’s not drugged. You know, let your shoes drop, as they say.
36. After resting for the night, you find your purse was stolen, costing you a moderate sum of coin. What do you do?
My purse was stolen? Those smidgey bastards! I trusted them! A little. Sort of.
Anyways, it’s funny how purse snatching spreads like disease. First, I wake up with my purse missing, then the humies start waking up with their purses missing. It’s like a wildfire, how quick it spreads. Then, sooner or later, half the money shows up on a drunk passed out in an alley. Silly fool must have spent the other half on booze.
What do I do about my missin’ purse? Nothin’. As I mentioned, it’s all about providence. Trust the world to give you what you need.
37. You arrive at your destination: an abandoned mine. Upon inspection, it seems the entrance is rigged with a collapsing ceiling trap. What is your solution?
Am I an engineer? My solution is to not be around when the big folk start wonderin’ who’s turn it is to be crushed under a hundred tons of stone. My solution is to find something very important to do well away from certain death.
38. Entering the mine, you find it inhabited with savage humanoids. They are primitive, yet strong, & outnumber you greatly. Your prize is in the center of the lair. What do you do?
Primitive, strong, and outnumber us. If only I had ever been in this situation once in my life. Oh, what a new and exciting challenge. How different and un-“typical” a circumstance we have stumbled upon.
Fine. When surround my large primitive people I need something from, I usually start by buying drinks. If that opens the dialogue, maybe some games of chance.
“Oh my, what a deep and unpayable debt you have quickly accrued. Why, look at that prize in the center of your kitchen—I mean “lair”. Oh, no. I wouldn’t think of taking it… But, we could make this last round of cards interesting.”
39. While attempting to seize the prize, your plan goes awry; one of your companions is killed. What do you do?
“Tiiiiiiim! He was my favorite replacement bandit. Greer. Sloat. We must avenge him!”
Keep in mind I have a very flexible sense of “we”. I have a much more acute sense of “leaving”.
40. You have escaped with the prize you were hired to find; a magical jewel of unknown properties. What do you do now?
I mourn the many losses this dastardly quest has cost me. First, every one of my bribed and blackmailed companions. Next, my beloved purse, whose weight will never be replaced, even with the fifteen heavier purses that now reside in my pack. Lastly, let us mourn all the bandits, who’s myriad deaths have brought us this glittering treasure.
I can only say I shall remember their sacrifices for as long as it takes me to assess and hock this gem.
